I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
