I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
