People with herpes should wear stickers.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
