worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
