did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
