Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
