Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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