his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
