I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize