your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
