Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
