there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
