There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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