I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
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You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
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Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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