Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
