he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
