He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
