This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We have started to decorate penises.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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