dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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