Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
