Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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