when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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