I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
