Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
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Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
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Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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