Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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