wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
