my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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