It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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