I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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