I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
