Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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