Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Randomize
