Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
