i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
