people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
