u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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