I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We smell like vodka and hangover
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