Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
