You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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