I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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