you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
