everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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