yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
