I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
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They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
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I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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