I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
