Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
