They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
