If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
