Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Congratulations! We have a period
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
