The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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