maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
