White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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