oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
