Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
