Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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